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Beech Lodge private Nursing Home, Ireland
Should Your Elderly Mom or Dad Come to Live With You?
Inside Practical Tips on What You Should Know
By Paula Tchirkow
By Paula Tchirkow, MSW, LSW, ACSW -- The decision to
have an elderly parent live with an adult child, and
his or her family, is usually made during times of duress.
The choice often results from an emergency situation
– a fall, a stroke, or a hospital stay – that
convinces family members that the older person can no
longer live alone. What’s more, the decision is
usually a knee-jerk reaction compelled by guilt, tradition,
or a sense of duty, and possibly agreed to without fully
understanding the ramifications.
While there are cases in which elderly parents and
adult children coexist under the same roof peacefully,
it’s not for everybody. In fact, more often than
not, the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.
Take a look at the situation from a parent’s point
of view. Generally, elderly parents resist moving in
with adult children, citing a loss of independence as
the primary reason to stay in their own home. For one
thing, the parent may be forced to move away from a
familiar neighborhood, and a support system of friends
and peers. Such a move can create a debilitating feeling
of isolation for the parent.
Even when a parent agrees to live with a son or daughter,
their attempt to contribute to the household –
which affords them a feeling of self reliance –
is frequently not encouraged. That is, their money is
refused, and their actions are considered more burdensome
than helpful. Witness the well-meaning mother that insisted
on peeling five pounds of potatoes before her daughter
arrived home from work in an effort to “help”
with dinner preparations. The family’s potato consumption
never could keep pace with the mother’s rapid-fire
peeling.
Furthermore, historical conflicts can bubble up as
the tension of the role reversal – child caring
for the parent –often uncovers long held dysfunctional
patterns of behavior, including depression, stubbornness,
and misdirected anger. Indeed, negative personality
traits seem to crystallize and surface when older adults
feel that they have ceded all of their control to their
children.
To be sure, the changing times also makes it more difficult
to keep a failing parent at home. For example, the rise
in the number of working women has created a serious
problem for daughters who want to care for their elderly
mother or father. (Note that in most cases, the primary
caretaker is a daughter or daughter-in-law.) Unlike
decades ago, working women aren’t home to watch
over a parent during the day. This means that if supervision
or a high-level of care is needed, the family has to
either hire in-home help, or someone has to quit their
job. Both alternatives can create a heavy financial
burden on a household.
In contrast, seniors who can no longer live alone have
the option of moving into an assisted living or nursing
home facility, something that many eldercare professionals
recommend. Entering one of these facilities is not always
the terrible ordeal that that people imagine it to be.
Of course, it is important to select a reputable facility
that offers quality care and a safe living environment.
More important, the facility should be close to the
primary caregiver because frequent visits ensure proper
care.
At these facilities, elderly parents are reunited with
peers, and if physically able, self-reliance is encouraged.
Activities and trips are planned, and basic needs are
taken care of without any parent feeling like a family
burden.
However, despite describing the disadvantages of having
a live-in parent, and highlighting the benefits of healthcare
facilities, many families feel confident about inviting
an elderly parent to live with them. For those who make
that decision, it’s best to keep in mind three
basic principles that will help keep the peace:
• The topic should not be taboo. Concerns may
not remain unspoken. Adult children and their parents
should discuss how they feel about assisted living and
nursing home alternatives, and the ramifications of
living together. Everyone’s perspective should
be considered including the children, who may have to
deal with a grandparent who is frail, forgetful, or
acts inappropriately or in unpredictable ways. In some
cases, children and teens may be uncomfortable bringing
home friends. If room permits, you may want to designate
an area of the house as the kid’s retreat. While
living with a grandparent often can be an enriching
experience, it can also be a confusing and embarrassing
one. All the cards need to be out on the table for this
discussion.
• If the elderly parent is still capable of following
guidelines, drawing up some house rules will help head-off
conflicts and avoid festering anger. Again, involve
the entire family and come up with a plan that will
help create harmony. For instance, allow the parent
to contribute to household in ways that make sense;
or figure out schedules in advance to make sure the
burden doesn’t fall on any one person.
• Take time off. Caregivers need a break if they
ever hope to sustain a healthy mind and body -- and
juggle the myriad responsibilities that come with middle-age.
If you’re looking for a few hours away from the
house, check out church and community groups. Many provide
volunteers that can sit with elderly parents while you
shop or go out on a date. Interestingly, one California
nursing service runs a program that matches up older
adults who have similar interests – the opera,
baseball, or gardening, for example. Also, friends and
neighbors usually are glad to pitch-in, so give them
a ring. Friends and neighbors truly want to help, but
often don’t know where to begin. Ask for help with
specific tasks, such as assistance with laundry, a home
cooked meal or an afternoon “off” for the
caregiver. If you need a longer break, contact local
assisted living facilities to find out if they have
personal respite rooms available. These are empty rooms
that the management is usually eager to fill, and therefore
are made available to the public at very reasonable
rates.
Paula Tchirkow, MSW, LSW, ACSW is President of Pittsburgh-based
Allegheny Geriatric Consultants which specializes in
geriatric care management for aging parents and middle-aged
adults who have chronic illnesses. Paula is also the
daughter of an elderly mother. Visit her website: www.caregivingadvice.com
or reach her by email at Paula@caregivingadvice.com.
If you want more practical tips on how to care for your
elderly relative or family member, click here http://caregivingadvice.com/signup.html
for my online newsletter, "Caregiving Advice from
a Licensed Geriatric Care Manager."
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/
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